They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
