Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize