Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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