I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
