why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
