My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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