Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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