Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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