DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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