do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
