STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
