we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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