I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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