She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
