Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Randomize
