i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
