Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
40s are totally the cure
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
