Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
