Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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