I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
