I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
