I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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