he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
