conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
soo... how was my night?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
