I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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