i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
