I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
