How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
