TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
