America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
