20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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