it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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