It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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