i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize