Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
