I heard we made out
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
