I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
