Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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