No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
