Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
