11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
