i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
