Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
