Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
