I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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