Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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