i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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