I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
