But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
