I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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