**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
