I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
