Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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