You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
