and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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