it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize