I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
