You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
